If this life has anything to gain at all I count it lost if I can't hear You, feel You, 'cause I need You"

My room is dark and weird sounds are coming from outside. It was in the 60's today so I've left the window open. It's nice to have some fresh air in here. Our room still smells like the previous owners and it's starting to get a little stuffy.

I called my nephew tonight. It was the first time I've talked to him since his birthday, which was a month ago. I've never gone that long without calling him before. I wondered how he would respond to it. I didn't send him a Christmas present, or call him on Christmas... I figured he'd be busy, and I was busy at home. When my brother-in-law handed the phone to Gary it was silent on the line. I said hello. Still silence. Then I heard Gary say "I can't hear her." He was pretending he couldn't hear me... Brandon told him that he wouldn't get to talk to me if he lied and Gary replied "Good, I don't want too."
I know Gary is only 5 and he says all sorts of things he doesn't mean, but this hurt. Really badly. He's not wanted to talk to me before, but mainly because he was tired, or crabby, or in a restaurant flirting with the waitresses. He was cleaning his room and his talking to me was going to be his break. He would rather give up his break than talk to me.
Gary was my little boy. I was closer to him than I've ever been to anyone. He was a part of me and I feel it slowly dying. When my big sister died, my sisters and I stayed with Gary to take care of him. We potty-trained him, and taught him his numbers and letters. We fed him and held him when he cried. He would even sleep with us some nights.
When Gary moved away I was heart-broken. I remember I went to mow the yard that day. We only have a push mower and as I was walking back and forth across the yard, I yelled at God for taking Gary away. If God loved me, why was he giving me all of this pain? But I understand it now. I took pride in the fact that Gary was mine and that he was the person I loved most. Tonight I questioned God again. Why did little pieces of Gary keep hitting me in the heart and causing me this pain? Why tonight when I am all alone with no one to talk to and wishing I was at home with my family? I think God is trying to show me that I cannot rely on any one relationship to give me happiness and peace except His. The relationship I have with God is forever. It is never ending his love is ever flowing. It hurts so much to think that I will probably never seen Gary again on this earth. I will never get to hug him or see what kind of man he grows up to be. But because I love God more than Gary, I can pray for him and let his know I love him in little ways. Even if those ways are unwanted.
"Nearer My God To Thee" is playing. That song is so sweet to me. I made my best friend promise me that she would play it on her violin at my Memorial Service one day. That may sound morbid, but it meant so much to me. It is one of my favorites hymns.