"It's name is Christi..."

Last year for my birthday my nephew Gary sent me a build-a-bear bunny and he named it Christi. I sleep with it every night... That may be a little weird for an 18, almost 19, year old. But that little bunny means so much to me.

I have to write a journal for my philosophy class about Hamlet and his search for identity. I was thinking about it on the way to church this morning and realized I was once in Hamlet's shoes. Not anything drastic like Hamlet, but in my every day, simple life. It happened with Gary. See, Hamlet's problem was that he held his identity in his father, the king, and in the kingdom. When his father died, Hamlet thought all he knew was gone. He had nothing left to live for, or so he thought. When my nephew Gary left me that was my problem. Now, I didn't do anything as drastic as Hamlet, like kill someone or consider suicide, but I definitely yelled at God. My reasoning was, why would God put something in my life just to pull it away from me when I needed it most. What I didn't realize was that God was using that incident in my life to show me where my true hope lies. In Him, and in Him alone. As much as I want to rely on those around me for peace, no one can give it to me except for my Almighty Father.

There are some things happening in my life right now... Some really great things, and some really sad things. Those great things are: my advisor offered me a job as her personal babysitter/house cleaner. I had an interview with two of the nursing faculty and loved every minute of it. I got a 96% on my last physiology test. I might get to see Gary in three months. All of this has happened in the last week and I am overwhelmed with how much God loves me. The bad things are... not quite so bad as I imagine them to be. Or maybe they are and I just don't see the effects of them as some people do. The last couple of struggles my family has gone through have been tough, but ever since Gary left, nothing has seemed to be quite as awful. And I don't mean that in a selfish way... The only reason that they're not so awful is because I know where my identity or hope lies - in Christ. But I see hateful things all around me and I don't understand why they're like that. Why do people fight, and yell? Why do people lie and cheat? I don't understand... Maybe that's just my innocence speaking, but honestly, I have no idea why are people so mean to each other. In the Bible it says that we're as filthy rags until Christ covers us. But why do I see people who love the Lord tell secrets that hurt, or pretend that they know the answers to everything and hurt other people with their pride? Or not talk to other Christians? That's the thing that gets me most. If we truly love God and wish to follow his commandments, then shouldn't we treat those around us like we do? In the last chapter of Matthew God tells us to treat his people as we would treat him. Do any of us do this? We fail miserably...
There are people who don't understand why I don't get mad at things like they do. I don't really know what to tell them, except for the fact that I know that God loves me and asks me to be patient and kind. I seem to be numb to getting angry about things I have no control over. For others around me this is no problem. They yell, scream, curse... I think it's pointless to get angry about things I can't control... I get mad about getting bad test grades because I know that I could have studied harder. But when it comes to things bigger than that... God is in control. That is enough.

Love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 14:4-8a

Tonight my co-worker looked over at me and said "Christi, I can't wait to meet your husband. He's going to be the sweetest guy ever." I wanted to say back, "I can't wait to meet him either." Which is true, but instead I simply replied, "I hope so."

We were talking about how dumb boys are because an aggie just walked her back to the clinic after a meeting. An aggie who happens to be 3 years older than her who most likely chews and drinks on a regular basis. She was grossed out. She doesn't understand why all of the aggies flock toward her. I have to admit that it is kind of weird, but she has an amazing personality and is a blast to hang out with.

Earlier that day I had asked her to think of something that would cause her to be scared or excite her so I could tell her what her sympathetic division does to her cardiovascular system. She used the example, "If an aggie asked me to marry him," and I promptly went into telling her how her heart rate would increase, increasing the stroke volume, and causing vasoconstriction in certain areas while causing vasodilation in other areas. We laughed about it a lot.

It's sad, but most of the aggies here are gross young men who think that drinking and chewing tabacco is cool. I don't really understand any of them. There are some who are just sweet gentlemen, but they're few and far between.

I think my dream of marrying a cowboy is diminishing.

Sunday Evening Study Time

Sunday nights are usually cram study sessions, but tonight Emma, Becky (The best physiology tutor in the world!) and I went for a nice long walk, discovered an entire world connected to CofO, and then came back to the dorm and had coffee and cheesecake.

I don't have any pictures of the cheesecake, but here are some of us "studying". :-)



The three coolest people in the world!



Ahh! Emma and Becky! :-)

Today has been wonderful. This entire weekend has been amazing. I was blessed with little or no homework in most of my classes and I got to hang out with my big sis and Becky almost the entire weekend. God knew I needed a little break from studying. :-)

The weather has been amazing. I wish I had taken the camera with me on our walk down to Camp Lookout. The sun was setting and it was beautiful.

Well, tomorrow is Monday and the week starts all over again. Tomorrow it's going to be in the 50's and rainy. *bleck* But maybe, just maybe, the sun will peek through at some point. :-)

~Christi Joy

"It's Nine O'Clock On A Saturday..."

I miss Gary tonight... It just hit me this week how long it's been since I've seen him. One year, 8 months, 25 days, 10 hours, 33 minutes... The last time I saw him was July 8th, 2009 at 11:00am. :-( I hate being so sad about it. This part of me just aches to see him and then when I realize that I probably won't see him anytime soon, or possibly never again, I just sob... Those awful sobs when you can't even breathe. I hate it. The only way to overcome it is to not think about Gary, and I hate that even more.
I know that Gary was not my child and that a mother's love is so unique and special, but I wonder why hurts so bad knowing that Gary is somewhere out there and I can't see him. I think part of me will always long to be with him. I wish I had been able to take care of him better. I wish I had been older so I could have provided for him.
Gary was my life for 2 years and even though I was slowly being distanced from him, when he left that day in July I thought my life was over. Part of me wonders that if I hadn't messed up somewhere in those 2 years, that maybe Gary would still be in my life. Maybe God wouldn't have had to take Gary out of my life for me to realize that God was the most important. But through it all I learned how important it is to put your all in Christ and not some person here on this earth. It was such a painful lesson to learn, but I am so thankful that God taught me it. While I was seeking God during that time, I didn't realize how important He was until I became so helpless and lost without Gary by my side.
Gary is too young to know how much I love him still, but I know that he doesn't love me like he used too. And while knowing that fact hurts, I know God has plan for the both us, however far apart we are, wherever we may be, God remembers.
Now I will sit here and sip my tea from my Charlie Brown mug... God is good. Always, God is good.

Monday Evening...

Mondays aren't very fun for me... They start at 5:00am-5:30am and I'm on the go until at least 8:00pm that night. Can anyone say *bleck*? That may be a normal day for some people but compared to my old life, that's the busiest I've ever been.

After getting back in to routine today I realized something...life is not about keeping a routine. As I walked to the cafeteria to pick up my PB&J sac lunch for dinner, I was thinking about this little fact. I decided I wanted to break up my night a little bit. I texted Emma and asked her if we could have coffee tonight. Her best friend, Katie, sent us treats in the most creative thing I've ever seen. I'll have to take a picture of it and post it so you can see. Even the grumpy post lady liked it. :-)

When I get off work in 13 minutes I'm going to walk back to my room and hopefully Rachel Barnett will be sitting on my bed talking to Emma. Then I'm going to have coffee and eat something yummy with my sister and not even think about studying. Ha. Way to mix it up!

School days...

Nearer My God to Thee, Nearer to Thee!
Even though it be a cross that raiseth me;
Still all my song shall be,
Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer to Thee.

Those like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
Darkness be over me, my rest a stone;
Yet in my dreams I'll be,
Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer to Thee.

There let the way appear, Steps unto Heaven;
All that Thou sendest me, In mercy given;
Angels to beckon me,
Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer to Thee.

Then, with my waking thoughts, bright with Thy praise,
Out of my stony griefs, Bethel I'll raise;
So by my woes to be,
Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer to Thee.

Or if on joyful wing, cleaving the sky,
Sun moon and stars forgot, upward I fly,
Still all my song shall be,
Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer to Thee.


~Sarah F. Adams


This is one of my favorite hymns. For some reason it just gives me complete peace.



I had to come back to school today... I didn't really want to, although part of me was happy to get back to routine. There's always that feeling in the pit of your stomach as you drive through the "Gates of Opportunity". Being away for over a week was wonderful. It helped me refocus on the important things and renewed my strength. I was getting worn down.

Dad, Mom and Lizzie brought me back to school. Mom and Lizzie helped me carry my truckload of luggage up to my room on the fifth floor. Thankfully Mabee has an elevator.
I was met my a freezing cold room, only to find out that they switched over to summer, which means that we no longer have heat. :-( I was very sad. Especially since it's supposed to be very cold all week.
Now I'm sitting in my chair at my desk, sipping sleepy time tea, and eating dry cereal... Emma is already in bed so it's dark in our little room.

Tomorrow is a long day and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. But ready or not, here it comes. :-)

March and Tulips

Last week I went to Skaggs hospital in Branson to job shadow for a part of my application process to Armstrong/McDonald School of Nursing here at CofO. It was a painful experience, as I hadn't really been in a hospital setting since the Sunday before Amy died. From what I remember of that day, it was raining and cold. My family and I had taken over the waiting room. None of us were sure what to say to each other.
There's a particular sense you get when you are at a hospital. It's so unique and I'm not sure why. But as I walked onto the Surgical Unit on 4th floor, I was reminded of why I want to be a nurse. I want to be a nurse so that I can brighten some sick patient's day. This man started talking to me while I was waiting with him out in the hall. He started talking about how the nurses were just horrible and how they would treat him and his wife like they didn't know anything. It broke my heart. Nursing is a ministry... not a job. I spent the entire morning remembering Amy and thinking about why I want to be a nurse. Some of her nurses made her day a thousand times better, and some of her nurses made her day a thousand times worse.
My mom goes to a memorial service at Elis Fischel Cancer Center in Columbia each year. I went with them one time and one of Amy's nurses was there. She gave Mom the biggest hug. It was precious to see. I want to be that to the family of a cancer patient someday. I want to have that connection to them.

I came home later that afternoon, disgusted at what I saw from the nurses, to these sitting on my desk.



Emma got me tulips...



When March 10th hits, Amy will have been gone for 3 1/2 years. It's hard to believe its been that long since I've seen my big sister. I wish I could give her a hug and tell her how much I love her... and how much I miss her. She is the reason I want to be a nurse.