"It's Nine O'Clock On A Saturday..."

I miss Gary tonight... It just hit me this week how long it's been since I've seen him. One year, 8 months, 25 days, 10 hours, 33 minutes... The last time I saw him was July 8th, 2009 at 11:00am. :-( I hate being so sad about it. This part of me just aches to see him and then when I realize that I probably won't see him anytime soon, or possibly never again, I just sob... Those awful sobs when you can't even breathe. I hate it. The only way to overcome it is to not think about Gary, and I hate that even more.
I know that Gary was not my child and that a mother's love is so unique and special, but I wonder why hurts so bad knowing that Gary is somewhere out there and I can't see him. I think part of me will always long to be with him. I wish I had been able to take care of him better. I wish I had been older so I could have provided for him.
Gary was my life for 2 years and even though I was slowly being distanced from him, when he left that day in July I thought my life was over. Part of me wonders that if I hadn't messed up somewhere in those 2 years, that maybe Gary would still be in my life. Maybe God wouldn't have had to take Gary out of my life for me to realize that God was the most important. But through it all I learned how important it is to put your all in Christ and not some person here on this earth. It was such a painful lesson to learn, but I am so thankful that God taught me it. While I was seeking God during that time, I didn't realize how important He was until I became so helpless and lost without Gary by my side.
Gary is too young to know how much I love him still, but I know that he doesn't love me like he used too. And while knowing that fact hurts, I know God has plan for the both us, however far apart we are, wherever we may be, God remembers.
Now I will sit here and sip my tea from my Charlie Brown mug... God is good. Always, God is good.