Monday Evening...

Mondays aren't very fun for me... They start at 5:00am-5:30am and I'm on the go until at least 8:00pm that night. Can anyone say *bleck*? That may be a normal day for some people but compared to my old life, that's the busiest I've ever been.

After getting back in to routine today I realized something...life is not about keeping a routine. As I walked to the cafeteria to pick up my PB&J sac lunch for dinner, I was thinking about this little fact. I decided I wanted to break up my night a little bit. I texted Emma and asked her if we could have coffee tonight. Her best friend, Katie, sent us treats in the most creative thing I've ever seen. I'll have to take a picture of it and post it so you can see. Even the grumpy post lady liked it. :-)

When I get off work in 13 minutes I'm going to walk back to my room and hopefully Rachel Barnett will be sitting on my bed talking to Emma. Then I'm going to have coffee and eat something yummy with my sister and not even think about studying. Ha. Way to mix it up!

School days...

Nearer My God to Thee, Nearer to Thee!
Even though it be a cross that raiseth me;
Still all my song shall be,
Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer to Thee.

Those like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
Darkness be over me, my rest a stone;
Yet in my dreams I'll be,
Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer to Thee.

There let the way appear, Steps unto Heaven;
All that Thou sendest me, In mercy given;
Angels to beckon me,
Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer to Thee.

Then, with my waking thoughts, bright with Thy praise,
Out of my stony griefs, Bethel I'll raise;
So by my woes to be,
Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer to Thee.

Or if on joyful wing, cleaving the sky,
Sun moon and stars forgot, upward I fly,
Still all my song shall be,
Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer to Thee.


~Sarah F. Adams


This is one of my favorite hymns. For some reason it just gives me complete peace.



I had to come back to school today... I didn't really want to, although part of me was happy to get back to routine. There's always that feeling in the pit of your stomach as you drive through the "Gates of Opportunity". Being away for over a week was wonderful. It helped me refocus on the important things and renewed my strength. I was getting worn down.

Dad, Mom and Lizzie brought me back to school. Mom and Lizzie helped me carry my truckload of luggage up to my room on the fifth floor. Thankfully Mabee has an elevator.
I was met my a freezing cold room, only to find out that they switched over to summer, which means that we no longer have heat. :-( I was very sad. Especially since it's supposed to be very cold all week.
Now I'm sitting in my chair at my desk, sipping sleepy time tea, and eating dry cereal... Emma is already in bed so it's dark in our little room.

Tomorrow is a long day and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. But ready or not, here it comes. :-)

March and Tulips

Last week I went to Skaggs hospital in Branson to job shadow for a part of my application process to Armstrong/McDonald School of Nursing here at CofO. It was a painful experience, as I hadn't really been in a hospital setting since the Sunday before Amy died. From what I remember of that day, it was raining and cold. My family and I had taken over the waiting room. None of us were sure what to say to each other.
There's a particular sense you get when you are at a hospital. It's so unique and I'm not sure why. But as I walked onto the Surgical Unit on 4th floor, I was reminded of why I want to be a nurse. I want to be a nurse so that I can brighten some sick patient's day. This man started talking to me while I was waiting with him out in the hall. He started talking about how the nurses were just horrible and how they would treat him and his wife like they didn't know anything. It broke my heart. Nursing is a ministry... not a job. I spent the entire morning remembering Amy and thinking about why I want to be a nurse. Some of her nurses made her day a thousand times better, and some of her nurses made her day a thousand times worse.
My mom goes to a memorial service at Elis Fischel Cancer Center in Columbia each year. I went with them one time and one of Amy's nurses was there. She gave Mom the biggest hug. It was precious to see. I want to be that to the family of a cancer patient someday. I want to have that connection to them.

I came home later that afternoon, disgusted at what I saw from the nurses, to these sitting on my desk.



Emma got me tulips...



When March 10th hits, Amy will have been gone for 3 1/2 years. It's hard to believe its been that long since I've seen my big sister. I wish I could give her a hug and tell her how much I love her... and how much I miss her. She is the reason I want to be a nurse.

February is coming to and end...

I have a white board in my room that I write my lists on. Today I titled my list, "To do...or not to do...". Sometimes it's hard to get everything done, especially if I don't want to do it. But I just had a meeting with my advisor, who is the director of the nursing program here at CofO, and she encouraged me to push on. No matter what, that's what I need to do. I just love that lady. I think everyone does. :-) She is so busy... she teaches classes, she has children, she is the director of this program and on the board of many others. She's very active with the events on campus and she has almost 100 nursing students to take care of. I have no idea how she does it, but somehow she accomplishes all she needs to. It is amazing to me. I hope I can learn how to mangage my time as well as she does. That would be awesome. :-)
I gave a speech last week called, "How to Manage Your Time Effectively". Maybe I should take my own advice and practice some of those techniques I showed the class. That would probably be a smart thing to do.
On top of all of that, I saw my Anatomy teacher today and that cheered me up more than I thought it would. He's such a great guy and a good teacher. I am blessed to be here guys. Whenever I complain, tell me to shut up. :-)

"Idleness appears as desire for a quiet life; yet can rest be assured apart from the Lord?" ~St. Augustine

Life has been crazy lately. At the beginning of this week I thought I was going to die from all the work I had to do. I had a quiz Monday, a quiz Tuesday, a speech Wednesday, and a Physiology test Thursday. It was more than I had signed up for. I cried myself to sleep Monday night after having a 13 hour day of classes and work. I refused to do any homework because I simply could not function from the thought of it all. My head felt like it was splitting and all I wanted was to go home and stay there forever. I missed my nice little quiet life on the farm. I missed having time to go outside and walk around just for the pleasure of it. I missed having time to actually have a conversation with someone I cared about. Suddenly it seemed like the only thing I had time to do was study, and barely that.
I am only taking 18 credit hours and only have an average of 19 hours of work each week. I know I should have time in the hours besides class and work to sit down and relax, but I couldn't find any. I had spent the entire weekend studying and doing homework for the week, and was thoroughly exhausted from it.
Where did my easy life go, and why did it leave me?
Monday ended, and Tuesday didn't start much better. I found consolation in one of my nursing buddies who was going through the exact same thing. Neither of us had time for anything and were exhausted and overwhelmed from it all. We tried to encourage each other and were reminded that God has it all in control. He will see us through it, even if we die in the process.
Now that it's the end of the week, I am preparing myself for a presentation on Monday and various homework projects. My presentation is on St. Augustine and as I was reading his book "Confessions" this evening, I read this line by him, "Idleness appears as a desire for a quiet life; yet can this be assured apart from the Lord?". Life on earth is not easy and it never will be. We are called to suffer it for the Lord's sake and when he is ready he will take us out of it. I often envy people who are able to sleep in on weekdays and spend the entire day at home with their families. But God has a plan for me here at CofO. It's not going to be easy, but His plan will be accomplished through it. At the beginning of this week I was reminded of how low a person can get in their self pity. I am here for God's glory, not for mine.

"Carpe diem baby, Carpe diem. Seize the freakin' day!"

I set my laptop down in front of my physiology book so I wouldn't have to look at a phospholipid bilayer anymore. I've decided that you can definitely read to much physiology. Homework has already become a little overwhelming.
Blogging was definitely not on my list of things to do this weekend, but I thought I'd add it to the list while I needed a break from physiology. Dr. Miller would be ashamed.

Today I realized that I haven't gone to play piano in almost a month. It makes me sad to think that. I honestly have had no time to do anything lately, but I also realize that I probably don't prioritize my time as I should. I think I'll go play piano tonight just so it won't be a month.

My sister and I have chalk boards on our walls and they are slowly filling up with quotes. The title of this post is one of those quotes. Emma was going on about something last night and this title was a major point in her argument. As was, "Boys are stupid. Throw rock at them!" We have fun at CofO.

If this life has anything to gain at all I count it lost if I can't hear You, feel You, 'cause I need You"

My room is dark and weird sounds are coming from outside. It was in the 60's today so I've left the window open. It's nice to have some fresh air in here. Our room still smells like the previous owners and it's starting to get a little stuffy.

I called my nephew tonight. It was the first time I've talked to him since his birthday, which was a month ago. I've never gone that long without calling him before. I wondered how he would respond to it. I didn't send him a Christmas present, or call him on Christmas... I figured he'd be busy, and I was busy at home. When my brother-in-law handed the phone to Gary it was silent on the line. I said hello. Still silence. Then I heard Gary say "I can't hear her." He was pretending he couldn't hear me... Brandon told him that he wouldn't get to talk to me if he lied and Gary replied "Good, I don't want too."
I know Gary is only 5 and he says all sorts of things he doesn't mean, but this hurt. Really badly. He's not wanted to talk to me before, but mainly because he was tired, or crabby, or in a restaurant flirting with the waitresses. He was cleaning his room and his talking to me was going to be his break. He would rather give up his break than talk to me.
Gary was my little boy. I was closer to him than I've ever been to anyone. He was a part of me and I feel it slowly dying. When my big sister died, my sisters and I stayed with Gary to take care of him. We potty-trained him, and taught him his numbers and letters. We fed him and held him when he cried. He would even sleep with us some nights.
When Gary moved away I was heart-broken. I remember I went to mow the yard that day. We only have a push mower and as I was walking back and forth across the yard, I yelled at God for taking Gary away. If God loved me, why was he giving me all of this pain? But I understand it now. I took pride in the fact that Gary was mine and that he was the person I loved most. Tonight I questioned God again. Why did little pieces of Gary keep hitting me in the heart and causing me this pain? Why tonight when I am all alone with no one to talk to and wishing I was at home with my family? I think God is trying to show me that I cannot rely on any one relationship to give me happiness and peace except His. The relationship I have with God is forever. It is never ending his love is ever flowing. It hurts so much to think that I will probably never seen Gary again on this earth. I will never get to hug him or see what kind of man he grows up to be. But because I love God more than Gary, I can pray for him and let his know I love him in little ways. Even if those ways are unwanted.
"Nearer My God To Thee" is playing. That song is so sweet to me. I made my best friend promise me that she would play it on her violin at my Memorial Service one day. That may sound morbid, but it meant so much to me. It is one of my favorites hymns.