If this life has anything to gain at all I count it lost if I can't hear You, feel You, 'cause I need You"

My room is dark and weird sounds are coming from outside. It was in the 60's today so I've left the window open. It's nice to have some fresh air in here. Our room still smells like the previous owners and it's starting to get a little stuffy.

I called my nephew tonight. It was the first time I've talked to him since his birthday, which was a month ago. I've never gone that long without calling him before. I wondered how he would respond to it. I didn't send him a Christmas present, or call him on Christmas... I figured he'd be busy, and I was busy at home. When my brother-in-law handed the phone to Gary it was silent on the line. I said hello. Still silence. Then I heard Gary say "I can't hear her." He was pretending he couldn't hear me... Brandon told him that he wouldn't get to talk to me if he lied and Gary replied "Good, I don't want too."
I know Gary is only 5 and he says all sorts of things he doesn't mean, but this hurt. Really badly. He's not wanted to talk to me before, but mainly because he was tired, or crabby, or in a restaurant flirting with the waitresses. He was cleaning his room and his talking to me was going to be his break. He would rather give up his break than talk to me.
Gary was my little boy. I was closer to him than I've ever been to anyone. He was a part of me and I feel it slowly dying. When my big sister died, my sisters and I stayed with Gary to take care of him. We potty-trained him, and taught him his numbers and letters. We fed him and held him when he cried. He would even sleep with us some nights.
When Gary moved away I was heart-broken. I remember I went to mow the yard that day. We only have a push mower and as I was walking back and forth across the yard, I yelled at God for taking Gary away. If God loved me, why was he giving me all of this pain? But I understand it now. I took pride in the fact that Gary was mine and that he was the person I loved most. Tonight I questioned God again. Why did little pieces of Gary keep hitting me in the heart and causing me this pain? Why tonight when I am all alone with no one to talk to and wishing I was at home with my family? I think God is trying to show me that I cannot rely on any one relationship to give me happiness and peace except His. The relationship I have with God is forever. It is never ending his love is ever flowing. It hurts so much to think that I will probably never seen Gary again on this earth. I will never get to hug him or see what kind of man he grows up to be. But because I love God more than Gary, I can pray for him and let his know I love him in little ways. Even if those ways are unwanted.
"Nearer My God To Thee" is playing. That song is so sweet to me. I made my best friend promise me that she would play it on her violin at my Memorial Service one day. That may sound morbid, but it meant so much to me. It is one of my favorites hymns.

Clinic stories

One day Barbie's boyfriend, Ken, walked into the clinic. Ken is the name I've given to a tall blond man on campus. He struts about with his head held high and always carries around this weird gym bag. On this particular occasion, Mr. Ken felt very nauseated. I glanced at Rachel, giving her the "Do you got this?" look. The nurse hurried up front at the sound of Ken's voice-he was a regular visitor to the McDonald Clinic-and asked Ken what was wrong. He mumbled something to her and she instructed him to the waiting room.
"Well Christi, I guess I'll take him back!" Rachel let out a sarcastic, exasperated sigh.
Suddenly the nurse says "No, I think Christi should take him back this time." I glanced at Rachel with big eyes. The nurse didn't know my fear of taking men back into the rooms. My hands started to get sweaty as I searched for his chart.
"Yes, ma'am." I gulped. I slowly filled out the information into his chart and then took my first step to the waiting room. Were my legs shaking? "Ken..." I softly said as I called his name. "You can come back with me." I led him into room 3, the walk seemed very short, and cautiously began to shut the door behind us. I stopped at an inch, nodding to myself. Better to be safe than sorry, I thought. I glanced at Ken. He was hunched over and holding his stomach like he might collapse any minute.
"So, what's going on?" My voice shook as I grabbed the thermometer.
"I feel like I'm going to puke." He said.
"OK, do you know why? Did you eat something, or..."
He interrupted, "I drank this really strong, acidic drink last night... I don't now what it was, but it was bad."
I gulped. Was I about to take the blood pressure of a man with a hang over? I instantly wanted to remind him of the fact that drinking was against the college rules. What was going to happen when the nurse came in and she found out that he was drunk? Would he be kicked out of the school?
I finished my job and quickly exited the room. I shut the door softly behind me and took a deep breath.
"Whoa."

~ The purpose of life is a life of purpose ~

Emma and I moved Wednesday. usually this would be a very sad event. I have to admit that I was a little sad at first. But that was just because I didn't know how great my new room would be! We are officially the proud residents of 516 in Mabee Dorm. Actually our new room is worse than our old one, so I wouldn't say we're exactly "proud". My desk is falling apart and the carpet is bleached. The rubber trim is falling off in numerous places and our windows don't work the way they are supposed to. The old resident gave me all the little details of the room while she was checking out. I was actually a little surprised at how run-down the fifth floor is. I think it is slightly neglected by everyone. But it is extremely quiet and things don't echo like they did on the 4th floor. I can sneeze without being afraid I'll wake up everyone in a 50 foot radius. And our new suite-mates seem like a pleasant sort of people. Actually I haven't even met one of them and probably won't until January 10th.

It took my entire Wednesday to move from the 4th floor to the 5th. It was actually very awful. It was me and another girl going back and forth, helping each other move our belongings and both discovering that we have entirely to much junk. I've decided that I never want to move again. But in the end I think it was worth it. I hope the other girl feels the same way.

I had my first conversation with my old suite-mate the day I moved out. I lived there for 6 months and she didn't bother to talk to me until then. It was kind of weird. I was pretty much scared to death when she started talking to me. I think she was just as happy as I was about my leaving. It was a great feeling to turn my key to 418 into the RA. I do not miss living there.

Well, I am at work, sitting on my butt in sick-bay, listening to rap... Wow, I sound like a great employee. I think I should go do something productive for the clinic... like clean a bathroom.

"I Could Play The Background"

"I could play the background.
I could play the background.
Cuz I know sometimes I get in the way.
So won't you take the lead, lead, lead.
So won't you take the lead, lead, lead.
And I can play the background, background.
And you can take the lead.

Verse 1 [Lecrae]
It's evident you run the show so let me back down.
You take the leading role, and I'll play the background.
I know I miss my cues, know I forget my lines
I'm sticking to your script, and I'm reading all your signs.
I don't need my name in lights.
I don't need a starring role.
And why gain the whole wide world, if I'm just gon' loose my soul.
And my ways ain't purified, I'll live according to your Word.
I can't endure this life without your wisdom being heard."

OK, I know this is a rap song, but it has some of the best lyrics I've ever heard. I have been struggling with wanting to the 'best'. The best in my anatomy class, the best in my chem class... I've always desired to be the best at whatever I do. I try to hide this fact quite frequently. As finals role around, and my grades are not what I would like them to be, I realize that I do not have to be "the best" at what I do. It's impossible... I will never be the best. When I have the 'best' mindset in play. I forget that I am not in control of my life. God is in control. I mess up(miss my cues) and go against God's will(forgetting my lines) so I want to "play the background" and not be "the starring role". Why would I want to gain the whole world, if I'm just going to loose my soul? I can't endure this life without His wisdom being heard. My entire purpose is to glorify the Lord. How can I play the lead if I want to shout His glory through my life? It is only possible if He is in the lead.

"So I don't want to take the lead
Cuz I'm prone to make mistakes.
All these folks that follow me gon' end up in the wrong place.
So, just let me shadow you. And just let me trace your lines.
Matter fact just take my pen.
Here, you create my rhymes.
Cuz if I do this by myself I'm scared that I'll succeed.
And no longer trust in You, cuz I only trust in me.
And see, that's how you end up headed to destruction.
Paving a road to nowhere. Pour your life out for nothing.
You pulled my card, I'm bluffing
You know what's in my hand.
Me I just roll to trust you to cause the dice to land.
I'm in control of nothing. Follow you at any cost.
Some call it sovereign will, all I know is you the boss.
And man I'm so at ease. I'm so content.
I play the background like it's an instrument."

This is the hard part; making myself let go of everything and step back. This has been especially difficult lately. My family has been going through some rough times and it's hard to not just be saying "OK God, you are not doing it right. Let me have control and I'll fix it." But, honestly, I would make everything so much more difficult. I am extremely thankful that I do not have control over my life. God knows my entire history and my entire future, he know what I need, and what I don't need. There has never been a time in my life when I am more at peace and more content than when I step back and say, "God, I trust you.". "I play the background like it's an instrument." God has my music before Him and He is playing it according to His Will.

"I know I'm safest when I'm in your will and trust your word.
And I know I'm dangerous when I trust myself; my vision blurred.
And I ain't got no time to play life's foolish games.
Got plenty aims but do they really glorify your name.
And its a shame the way I want to do these things for you, yeah.
Don't even cling to you. Take time to sit and glean from you.
And its seems that you are patient in my ignorance.
If ignorance is bliss, its cuz she never heard of this.


Chorus. [C-Lite]
I could play the background.
I could play the background.
Cuz I know sometimes I get in the way.
So won't you take the lead, lead, lead.
So won't you take the lead, lead, lead.
And I can play the background, background.
And you can take the lead."

Youtube this song. It's called "Background" by Lacrae. It is a rap song, but it has amazing lyrics. When I listen to it I am reminded that I am not in the lead, and I do not have to worry about things if I trust the Lord. He is in the lead, and I am playing the background.

Life as a Freshman in a World of Seniors

McDonald clinic is swarming with nurses students who need some joy in their lives. On more than one occasion I've been sitting at the desk when one of the seniors sits down next to me and stares at me until I look up. "Christi," they say, "don't go into nursing. It's awful." I smile back at them, wondering if they're serious or if they're just trying to kid me into believing that I won't be able to make it.

It has definitely been interesting working with 5 nursing seniors. You can always tell when they have a test coming up. Part of me wonders if I'll be like that one day, running around frantically like there's no tomorrow and discouraging future nursing students.
Don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds. It has helped me actually. Some days I'll get off work and wonder if I'll ever be as strong as those 5 women, both emotionally and physically. They all have their unique strengths and I hope I can be like them all in some way or another when I am at their place in life.

God has a plan in allowing me to work at McDonald Clinic this semester. I'm not sure what it is yet, but hopefully I'll find out one day.

12-7-10

Finals week is just around the corner and I am beginning to wonder if I'm even slightly ready for this crazy week to begin. I think I'm ready for it to be over.

I am sitting under my bed, which is stacked upon 3 cement blocks. I spent my first few nights at school wondering if I'd fall to my death while I was sleeping, but these cement blocks have remained faithful and I hope that they never let me down.
It is very cozy under here. it's kinda like my little hangout place away from my desk. Sometimes I just get tired of looking at my desk and wondering if it could possibly get any cleaner than it already is. I am obsessed with having my study area clean. My roommate, on the other hand, is not. I often find myself sneaking over to her desk to straighten something that she won't notice, but has been bugging me for days. This afternoon I took the initiative to clean our room. This is what happened.

For the past week or so, Emma's books have been magically appearing on my side of the counter. I'd push them over to her side before I went to bed, and then when I woke up the next morning, they were pushed back over on my side. I'm not sure how this happened because Emma denied moving them. :-) So today when I cleaned our room I stacked her books up into a pretty pile and carefully stacked them next to HER bed, on HER side of the room(not that we have 'sides' or anything).
The problem was solved.

Emma and I have 'fights' a lot. They consist of us buckling over in laughter because they're over the most ridiculous things and then running over to Eli and Jannelle's room to tell them what happened. This is how we spend our evenings here at school. They're quite fascinating.