Far Away

Far Away by Lecrae

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

~Psalm 62:5-8

Last night I was laying in my bed thinking about the day and what had happened. Read this passage from Psalms 63.

1 O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
2 So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
3 Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
4 So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.

5 My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
6 when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
7 for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me."

This summer has been so relaxing, but not in a good way. I thought I would love having time to sit around and do nothing but honestly, it really gets to me. I do things that have no benefit to my spiritual growth and relationship with God. I watch some pirated movie on a dumb website and afterwards, I feel so sinful. First of all, I'm BREAKING THE LAW! That should be kicker right there. But it isn't. At first it really bothered, but I've gotten so used to it now that it seems normal. I hate that. Why do we let bad things become normal in our lives? Is it easier to live with it that way?
All of this sinful behavior has left me thirsting for something more and in the last week or so I've realized how lousy my relationship with God has been this summer. He's slowly been easing His way into my summer life and is yelling at me, "CHRISTI! What are you DOING!?!?" Ok, I don't really picture God yelling at me. But, I feel like He would say it like that.
And in the last 2 days, I have had 3 HUGE conversations with 3 different people I know very well. They've all been weighing on me today and I'm trying to sort them all out in my head. I tried to journal about them but I hate the pen I have to journal with right now and for some reason that ruins it. Do you know what I mean? But these conversations, they were all so good and I know God's hand was in each of them. In every sentence; in every word. I could just feel God in them all. One of these conversations I had laying out on the beach. Another one, in the dark laying against a cold brick building. The last one, driving down a road. I tried to remember before I said anything to these people that this was a chance given to me by God to influence these people in whatever way He felt best. So I would take a few moments before I replied and was asking God to give me words to say that would be the most glorifying to Him. And as I came away from each of these conversations, I knew God had been working in them and was working in the people they involved, including myself. My best friend and I talked for an hour and a half the other night about life and just the things we've been having to deal with lately and it was such a great conversation. I always feel so lifted up by her and feel like God is using her in so many ways. It thrills me to know that. Before I was a Christian our conversations never went anywhere deep. They were always floating around the topics our older sisters were talking about and our dolls. But they're so precious to me now. It's like God gave her to me specifically because we understand each other so well and can pray for each other because we know exactly how the other one is feeling. There are only a few people I can do that with.
I've really been struggling lately with some of the relationships I have with people. I feel like they're so... I don't even know what. I just get so annoyed with these people because I feel like I only hear them complain about things or make excuses. Tonight I told someone that they make too many excuses and I know it's not my place to judge. Remember my post last week about excuses? Yeah... I'm just as bad. But out of no where the other person in the conversation said, "oh, shut-up." I didn't realize that she had said it because I had only been interrupted about 100 times during the conversation and was used to be barged in on at that point. But then she said, "I mean that in love." And I started to wonder, how can you mean that in love? You don't just tell someone to shut up. Ok, maybe some people do. And Ok, this particular person says that all the time to whomever she pleases. But it hurt me tonight. I wish it hadn't. I wish I could just shrug those things off. But this person asked me if I was OK and I reluctantly replied yes. I am OK. I'm not dying, my family is kind of happy, at least 3 of my siblings are saved, I have a home, I have dreams for my future...I have friends, right? I am OK. It's strange; it's been a long time since someone has asked me that and I've honestly been able to say that I was really OK. I was only being quiet. I don't like to talk. Usually when I do I say something I regret and then I feel guilty about it. Or I'm told to "shut-up" because someone didn't like what I said. Some people love to talk, and I'm glad because otherwise I probably wouldn't have any friends. People don't like people who don't talk... My brother Daniel told me that maybe I would have more friends if I talked to people more. He told me not to attack them though because it's annoying when girls do that. I love Daniel.
The other day I called my mom and started complaining about something. I don't remember what exactly. But she was like, "Christi, it's OK to complain sometimes. You need to vent." and I replied, "No mom, it's not OK. I shouldn't complain. My reasons aren't good." And now I find myself becoming so annoyed with people who complain and whine. It drives me crazy and I hate that I'm constantly judging people like that. I am asked to love people. It's commanded of God. Yet I fail miserablly every single day. Every single hour, every single minute. I am far from being a "nice person". I get so annoyed when people call me that. And when I tell them honestly that I am not a nice, they say something like, "Of course you would say that." And I wonder what that means?
Life has been full force this week. I've really been trying to examine my relationships with people and for the ones I'm struggling with, I'm trying to understand why they've been a problem. I think I just have high expectations. And I don't know... maybe it's just me. Maybe I am really misunderstanding this friend thing. Maybe I just struggle with certain personalities. Maybe I'm just ignorant. But whatever it may be, pray for me please? It's really hurting this week. I know God is working on it and I'm thankful for that. This heartache is worth it.

Some cute quilts that I want to make

Intense, but awesome!

This reminds me of a baby quilt, but it kind of has a Pottery Barn vibe, don't you think?

And I just like this one. I think it's cute. :-) It was made with vintage fabric which makes it even better. I love how those are fabrics from the 70's but she totally made them work together. That's talent right there.

This is the same pattern as mine. I really like the colors that were used on this one. It's beautiful. If I were rich and could afford fabric like that, I'd make one that color too. :-)

I love the color of this one. :-)

I saw a book at Joanns the other day called Quilts Made Modern. I was tempted to buy it...but as it cost $20 I didn't.
I feel like a dork for liking quilts so much. I don't know why, I just think they're awesome.

People watching at the Landing

Friday nights are always different at CofO. No one ever knows what to do. When I got off work this afternoon Emma and Rachel kidnapped me and we went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to get a wedding present for Rachel's friends. Then we went to dinner and Emma decided that she wanted to go to Arkansas for the weekend with Rachel. Emma likes those "spur of the moment" adventures. :-) So, Eli and I decided to go get some iced coffee at Vintage Paris and go window shop at the landing.

My iced coffee was delicious, even if it did cost $2.37. The company was good (thanks Eli!), and the atmosphere was lovely. The landing was crowded though. It took us about 20 minutes to find an actual parking spot, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. For you who don't know, the Landing is Branson Landing. It's basically part of downtown Branson by the water and has a lot of expensive stores and restaurants. But it's fun to window shop and people watch.
I ALMOST tried on a pair of Chacos. I've been wanting to for a while now but hadn't gotten the chance. When I went into the store tonight there were about 4 employees standing around a desk and not one of them came and asked me if I needed help. Therefore, I did not try on Chacos tonight. I really wanted too though. I want to BUY some. But not from them. Not after tonight. Actually that decision had already been made. They're much cheaper online.
Now I'm sitting in my room eating a bag of popcorn all by myself. I think I'm going to try and find a movie to watch while I wallow in my gloom. :-)

Florence Knightingale: Lady of the Lamp

So I have to read this book for my summer homework. My first nursing class is Character of Professional Nursing and they focus in on Florence Knightingale's mission and character. Over the summer they wanted us to read this book and answer some questions about Florence.

Everyone I talked to said this was the most boring book they've ever read. And after reading it, I've decided that it's not that bad. I have to say though, the most I got out of it was a paragraph on the last page.

“Live your life while you have it. Life is a splendid gift. There is nothing small in it, for the greatest things grow by God's smallest. But to live your life, you must discipline it. You must not fritter it away in fair purpose, erring act, inconstant will, but must make your thought, your work, your acts all work to the same end, and that end not in self but in God. This is what we call character.” ~Florence Knightingale

The beverage I'm drinking this afternoon

~In honor of Corinne and Justine

Some verses I read this morning

"But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content." 1 Timothy 6:6-8

"Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses." 1 Timothy 6:12

"Excuses, Excuses..."

I wonder who invented the excuse. I'm not very fond of whoever did.

Last night I set my alarm for 5:30am so that I could get up and go running. I got my shoes out, my walkman, I was ready. So this morning I woke up to see that it was 5am. So, I decided that I'd sleep for another 30 minutes. And somehow within those 30 minutes I convinced myself that it would be too dangerous for me to get up and go running. Why? Well, let me tell you.

I really did want to get up and go running. I knew it would give me more energy throughout the day and that it'd just make the day better knowing that I had actually gotten some exercise. But then I started thinking about how it was still dark outside. And that reminded me of the drunk driver that had driven all over the track. Last Friday night a drunk guy busted through the Gates of Opportunity at 50mph. He was being persued by 6 Taney County Polic officers. He drove through campus and down onto the track and them rammed into the freshman lot gates. Then he jumped out of his car and put his hands behind his back.
I kept thinking of this as I was half asleep (my logic amazes me sometimes) and came up with the conclusion that I shouldn't go running because: what if that happened again and what if I didn't see them and ran right into their path.
All this to say, I didn't go running this morning.
Instead I slept an extra half hour in paranoia that roaches were crawling all over me. The exterminator came last week and there have been roaches all over my room. I will be glad to leave Foster dorm in a two more weeks.

All of this reminds me of something Pastor Neil said(FBC's pastor) on Sunday. We like to make excuses for ourselves so we don't sound so bad. He used the example of chocolate cake. You're on a diet and you know you shouldn't have cake... But then you go over to someones house and they offer you cake and in your mind you're trying to come up with a reason for having that cake. You tell yourself that the cook will be offended if you don't have any. Of you say, "Well, I didn't have any for breakfast, so I can have some now." I can't even tell you how many times I've done that. But usually it's with tea or coffee. "Well, I didn't have any yesterday and it's just so sunny outside, I should definitely have some tea." That just sounds ridiculous. But that's usually how I decide things. Instead I don't even think about how drinking too much tea could be bad for my health and could inable me from doing something that would give God more glory than drinking that tea. Why do I do this? I'm depraved. I'm a sinner. I like to make myself happy and I like to make excuses so I won't feel so bad about it later. I hate feeling guilty. I hate being told that I've done something wrong. So I make excuses. Being humble can be so hard sometimes.

So, this kind of goes back to the, "Who Do you Follow?" sermon from Sunday. FBC has been good for me. It has been a challenge to me, which I appreciate so much. I need to be challenged. I need to be told to go do something out of the ordinary and give it all to God.

College has been really good for me. Sometimes I get frustrated with things here and wonder why I even decided to come. Then I am reminded in some way or another and realize that God is telling me that this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now. It's hard to be away from your family and friends and missing out on the fun of being a kid. But we all have to grow up sometime. It's scary, being away from your parents and out from their constant guidance. But it's good.

These have been my thoughts...

I can never think of titles for my blog posts. I don't know why it's so hard. "Just pick something and name it", I always tell myself. Unfortunately telling myself that does not make me do it. As is my attitude with many things in life. "Get your running shoes out before you go to bed, set your alarm clock for 5:30am and go running", is another thing I tell myself on a regular basis. In fact, I get my running shoes out almost every night but usually end up going running twice a week. And I wonder why I never seem to get anywhere.
I always have a "To do or not to do..." list for the weekend. This is what it usually looks like,

To Do...Or Not To Do...
Laundry
Sew blocks
Clean room
grocery shopping
exercise!
read
homework
call Mom
write Justine back
go to the lake

Sometimes I get it all done, sometimes I don't. Usually it's the latter. This past weekend I happily gave up my "To Do...To Not To Do" list for a weekend of fun. On Saturday my friends and I decided to go shopping in Springfield. I needed to get a stencil for my quilt and they needed to get some shoes for weddings coming up. We had a great day. They finished it off with the lake and I finished it off by my sewing half of my quilt together. And as I was sitting there, sewing away, I was thinking about that verse that says to glorify God in all that you do. And I was trying to think of how sewing could give glory to God. I sew because I like it, because I like what I produce from it. Is that completely selfish? I got the thought in my head the other day, maybe I should start making quilts and donating them. But it takes me entirely too long to make a quilt, especially with school and working 40 hours a week. So that idea was soon gone. And then I thought, well, maybe I shouldn't sew if I don't glorify God with it at all. But I love to make quilts. I love seeing the design come together and the peices fit together. I'm making something that will last longer than I will live and there's some sort of pride that goes along with that thought. I wish there wasn't.

Sometimes I get caught up with myself. Let me rephrase that. Usually I am caught up with myself and my problems. Sometimes I think about my reason here at school and I think, I have so much going for me. I could do anything. But then God reminds me with some humbling experience, "You are here because of Me, Christi." And I'm like, well God, it feels really good to know that Dr. Williams picked me personally to take care of her children. And He's like, "Christi, you got that because of Me. You may think you're all high and mighty, but you're here for My glory. You're here to praise My name."

Yesterday Emma and I went to First Baptist Church Branson. The message was really good. It was on denying yourself and following God. The pastor used twitter as an example. It was a "Who Do you Follow?" type of thing. It was a really good reminder. Sometimes I get so caught up in my daily routine... I get up, get ready for work, eat breakfast, go to work at 7:15, work until 11:25, go to lunch, come back at 12:15, work until 4:30, go back to my room and clean up, dinner at 5:00, and then the evening is somehow taken up with random things. That's what I do, 5 days a week. It's really boring. Then I remember that that's what my life will be like once I'm graduated and have a job. It was kind of a wake up call. I HAVE to remember that I am here for God and not to make myself happy. I get so discontent when I don't remember God's purpose. I get so unhappy and question my life and forget why I'm even alive. I'm always trying to come up with fun things to do at work so I don't get bored. But I've been realizing how nice the quiet is and how God has given me that time for a reason. And it's not there to sit and complain about how there is nothing to do. Every moment is from God. There's an opportunity to glorify God in every moment if you know how to use that time. God is good like that. He gives us that opportunity because he knows that we need every moment possible. We are constantly failing in some way or another but God is always supplying opportunities for us.

I feel like this is just a bunch of rambling. It's taken me all day to write this. These have been my thoughts today.

Another thing on the computer to waste time on

Hey friends, get a goodreads.com account! You can be my friend. :-)

A weekend at CofO

Last week I silently prayed that God would send me work to do so I could make some money. He answered two hours later with a call from Dr. Williams wanting me to help her clean her house.
I was kind of dreading the cleaning, but I got over there and I realized how much Dr. Williams needed my help and it was instantly worth it. I got to work along side her, which was awesome. :-) She wanted to wash her collection of Norman Rockwell plates. I jumped up on the counter and we shared tidbits of our lives. I had never had such a meaningful conversation while up on a counter. There's something about helping someone and talking to them about the little things in your life that have made you the way you are.
At one point I had to hop over the stove. I lost my footing and almost smashed my poor employer. I think we both felt a little closer after that incident.
Dr. Williams has blessed my life so much and I hope she knows that. I can feel the changes God has done through Dr. Williams and I am astounded. She is amazing... She is an amazing disciple of God.

Last night Emma and I were feeding her bosses dogs. Her boss went out of town this weekend so we house-sat. I had never been to their house before so now when I think of it, it kind of surprises me that I am comfortable at someones house of whom I have never met. Anyway, we were feeding the dogs and found we had locked ourselves out of the house. Emma and I both prayed that God would give us someway to get inside. I discovered a new bit of myself; I get depressed when I am placed in a stressful situation. In my depressed state of mind I continued to pray and walked back and forth on the porch moping. We were key-less and phone-less. All the windows were locked, all the doors were locked... no way in. Suddenly Emma had the bright of idea of bobby pins that she had conveniently left in her hair after going to the Lake. Hours before this obstacle occured she asked me if her hair looked OK. It did, and I'm so thankful.
Emma stuck a bobby pin in the key hole and shook a bit. "This always works in the movies! It has to work now!!" After about ten minutes, the lock turned, and Emma and I rejoiced. God answered another one of our prayers, except much faster this time.

Sometimes I forget to pray about little things... Things like smiling at people as they walk past, or doing something small for someone. Most of these are things I want to get into the habit of doing. I want to always think to pray about something before I do it. I want to think of others before myself. I want to always be thinking of ways to glorify God. I think that I need to start each morning with the simple, yet humbling prayer, "God, thank you... for your mercies are new each day."

Quilt pictures

Now, I am not a photographer... I was thinking about just waiting until I go home again so that Lizzie can take pictures, but I'm not sure when I'll be going home again. So, you'll just have to be content with the poor quality of these photos. :-)

See my cute "Joy" cup my dear mom got for me? I love mugs... I have about 10 of them here at school. :-)

This will be the general layout of the quilt. I'm thinking about doing a border around the outside, but I have to find some more fabric in order to do that. I'm thinking maybe a brown? We'll see. :-)

As for the actual quilting, I want to do something like this in the center of each block. I don't know if that would be too much design though.

Or maybe this? What do you think?

And this is what my bed looks like now. I love having my other quilt as a bed spread. Not only is it really light and cool in the summertime, but I love using something I created.

This song cracks me up.... :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRmBChQjZPs
This song is by a Jewish Orthodox. You may have heard of him. My co-worker and her friend are going to his concert this weekend and I wish I could go with them. I think I would laugh the entire time. :-) But his message is really good and his music is enjoyable.

Have fun!

July-A month of memories and hope

Five years ago this month Amy was diagnosed with Leukemia. I've been thinking about this since the first of the month and as the 4th is now here, I can't help but remember the 4th of July 5 years ago. Mom and Emma were at the hospital with Amy and Dad was trying to cheer us up by buying fireworks. He bought each of us our own pack of fire crackers, which was a big treat for our family. I still have those fire crackers...
Today I am sitting in my room alone. Emma has to work at camp all day so I have been watching movies and working on my quilt. I'm borrowing this book from Emma Blessed Be Your Name by Matt and Beth Redman and as I began reading it I couldn't help but think of Amy and how we sang that song at her memorial service. Mr. Redman was going to come sing to the service for Amy but his agent didn't think it would be a good idea. One of Amy's friends sung it for her instead.
And as I was thinking about that I started thinking of her blog and how I wanted to read it again. Every once in a while I go back and read her posts and wish she was still here with us. I started at the beginning, July 3rd 2006, and was remembering so much about those few days.
I just read this book called Same Kind of Different As Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore. In this book Ron's wife dies of cancer and the entire time I was reading it, I was aching for the day I graduate from college with a nursing degree. I was sitting there at the front desk in the clinic; crying and wishing I was back in my room so I could sit and read my Bible. I want to be a nurse and take care of my patients. I want to kneel next to their hospital bed and offer to pray with them just like the nurses did when they took care of my sister. I want to be there to hug them and tell them that God is Sovereign and that He is with us through all of our trials. It's easy to say if you're the one without cancer. But as I read Amy's blog I'm constantly reminded of how God used her to bless so many people and to bring so much glory to His name. I want to be able to take care of someone God is using for such glory. I want to have that privilege and I pray that someday I will.
I've been at College of the Ozarks for over a year now. As I remember all of the things that have happened, I am fully aware of God's hand in all of it. Yes, there have been times when I've wanted to throw my books across the room, march out the Gates of Opportunity, and never come back. But God got me through that time and I know He will continue to do so.
My church is studying James. My Pastor thought it would be a good time to read it with all that's happening in my church family's lives. My pastor's wife has cancer and is currently in the hospital because of an infection that gave her a fever. Pray for her. Stop reading this and take one moment to praise God for working through her to bless others. It didn't occur to me until yesterday that I wish I could be the nurse taking care of her. What a blessing it would be to learn from such a woman...
I am aching for 3 years from now. I will be graduated God willing and have a job at Siteman Cancer Center at Barnes Jewish Hospital in St. Louis Missouri. I will be walking down the hall to the elevator and pass the wall of tiles, where my sister's name is placed. A wall of tiles with so much history and prayers. I don't have a picture of my sisters tiles, but here is a picture of the wall.

I know God has me exactly where He wants me. His hand is in everything that I do and see. I am thankful for that. I don't know if it is God's will for me to work at Siteman someday and if it's not, that's Ok. I know He has plans for me elsewhere.